it seems recently I've forgotten a lot of what i learned that year of isolation. I used to tell myself daily: you know, you better free your mind. Most days I went home to teach myself something new. I'd never dropped acid and Katey used to tell me: Dude, you're such an enlightened person even without LSD. My first tattoo came from what i learned that year and how it changed me as a person. It was such a tough and wonderful year. Chris and I weren't together anymore which made me a wreck, my mother had me on serious lock down, and the new school really fucking sucked. For once in my life i used the time i could have wasted to try and better myself. Physically I was pretty well off doing mad amounts of crunches and some light lifting haha, mentally i vigorously tried to evolve. I'm trying to get back on track even if it's just by doing some homework lol.
Last night was really important to me. Today seems not as important since I'm doing useless things and trying to prepare for NC, but really doing a poor job. I felt validated last night with a small bit of conversation. I remember when having myself was enough, but then 'suspicion holds you tight.' It's such a strange concept because when i think back to that year it's as if being alone was the only sane option. We strive to find someone to fill a 'void,' but who ever took anything away for their to be a void in the first place? i can't say i mind at all though. I thoroughly enjoy having what I've got. There's just such a divide. I can't complain though, and i try ever so hard not to. I think it holds back on who i am though. I hate stressing people out.
Tonight is going to be wonderful as long as I get to dip my feet in some sand. If someone will take me I will literally freeze my bum off and wear a bikini (OMG).
I feel like smiling:)
It did me wonders last night.
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