bummer style

looks like we're stuck in richtown.

think this means i'm going to email thea and set a date for getting my tat next week. i mean i have to waste my money somehow, right?

had a little tif today with cory because he doesn't want to pay for the time he's lived here. scheming scheming scheming.

if kev's old car don't make it across the state line we might as well lay down and die.

it seems recently I've forgotten a lot of what i learned that year of isolation. I used to tell myself daily: you know, you better free your mind. Most days I went home to teach myself something new. I'd never dropped acid and Katey used to tell me: Dude, you're such an enlightened person even without LSD. My first tattoo came from what i learned that year and how it changed me as a person. It was such a tough and wonderful year. Chris and I weren't together anymore which made me a wreck, my mother had me on serious lock down, and the new school really fucking sucked. For once in my life i used the time i could have wasted to try and better myself. Physically I was pretty well off doing mad amounts of crunches and some light lifting haha, mentally i vigorously tried to evolve. I'm trying to get back on track even if it's just by doing some homework lol.

Last night was really important to me. Today seems not as important since I'm doing useless things and trying to prepare for NC, but really doing a poor job. I felt validated last night with a small bit of conversation. I remember when having myself was enough, but then 'suspicion holds you tight.' It's such a strange concept because when i think back to that year it's as if being alone was the only sane option. We strive to find someone to fill a 'void,' but who ever took anything away for their to be a void in the first place? i can't say i mind at all though. I thoroughly enjoy having what I've got. There's just such a divide. I can't complain though, and i try ever so hard not to. I think it holds back on who i am though. I hate stressing people out.

Tonight is going to be wonderful as long as I get to dip my feet in some sand. If someone will take me I will literally freeze my bum off and wear a bikini (OMG).

I feel like smiling:)

It did me wonders last night.

thinking pretty hard about bringing my bathing suit to nc... fuck i hate the cold. maybe i can convince someone to go swimming with me. being sick isn't all too bad.

said bye to darcy today which was a bummer. I'm not sure where she's going to work, and I don't think she is either, but I'm sure she'll be fine.

Right now i'm listening to my gpa real loud and missing my fam. Running today was like a serious battle with myself. I didn't do as much as i usually do and the whole time i was telling myself it was time to quit? Not really sure what's going on with that.

Gonna be bored until katey gets home, but i guess that gives me time to at least think about sociology? Probably more like watch a lot of Rome and then say shit when I see it's ten. seems like we're going to be making death drinks. oh, to sleep under such pretenses- what a joy.

watched part of the cremaster last night. me and katey are going to torrent the rest this weekend.

Matthew Barney is odd, but his work is really amazing at the same time. The cremator is supposed to be about the muscle that makes penis's hard- it's all too twisted and strange, but because i haven't gotten to see all 5 dvd's i guess it can't make too much sense.

lord, listen lover we are all missing something. if only the rest of that album was good.

"i've been low, but it never gets me down. cus i've been hoping i've been praying in some god so when i die i'm saved and found and i'm not lost cus all he's done all for me is take away the ones i love."

lord, lord mother we are losing love.

this time last year i was with nevin. this time last year i was an alcoholic. this time last year i smoked almost a pack a day. i still worked at gnc and skipped class everyday with ktd. Pretty soon marks the date of best night ever, and what'd be really nice is finding something to cover up that night because it's 20xbetter. then again, though, it's one of the only things that's lasted since chris. so fucking weird.

<=seriously so emberassing.

There are some people in my life right now that without a doubt make me self conscious. Since Chris i've grown up a lot. I remember how free i felt when i told him i just couldn't fight for someone who didn't know i was worth anything. I fought for over 2 years, and that last year i told him he had to help me pick up the mess. I'd just moved back to Richmond, and instead of supporting me he bashed who i was becoming and constantly made comments about how my brain was fried. But, who's to say that's any worse or better than a liver made of alcohol? It's been 2 years since i moved back here, and it's such a fucking black hole here. It sucks the life out of you, but i can't really blame it on richmond haha. I'd probably be saying the same bullshit if i was in LA. But, back to present day self consciousness- i've gotten so shy. I'm not afraid of my body because that's just bones and skin, and if it's not right to your eyes than by all means look away, but there are some people who make me hold my tongue and make me feel like there's just something blah.

katey thinks people can only fall in love with me when i'm around kyle and her. she said i just am more natural and crazy. last night she told me it's weird that i can admit that there's something holding me back because i have such a huge personality. such a shame that there's something forcing me to admit that.

i think it'd be really amazing if people just realized the effort put into things.

that, sometimes, through all the silence and anger there's a reason.

and that being honest isn't a ridiculous concept.

it's been an all time high for ms. katey and ms. bianca. Went to art history and thought i was going to just pass out and I think the same is going to happen all day at work. got a text saying i got a missed connection, which is strange because when i was at carytown burger and fries there definately was only a couple there and the cooks.
guess someone's looking for a mistress, nahhhhh.

I think that soon I'm going to find a way to shut off the hot water in the middle of people's showers who last longer than ten minutes in this house. I mean Chris is a fucking giant, but i didn't know that constituted 45 minute showers. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong. Katey and I are also scheming up something.

Made the best bagel for breakfast. Katey approved yo.
Bought a karaoke machine last night, but didn't use it.
went to bws last night and saw someone cum his pants at the sight of girls playing tennis, but their potatoe wedges were good?

'if you've got problems why don't you go solve them?'

went to urban today to return these shitty shoes and got hit on by a skinny boy who i think weighed the same as my right thigh. More probable my right arm.

I give him props though on his tactic, "How do you say your last name? I had a french kid stay at my house a couple years ago and his name was the same as your last name."

straight nasty girl lifestyle.

straight quality for your money.

went to v-secret because that place is rad, haha i mean if you like paying 25$ for naughtygirl panties.

i mean when is this practical?

desperate times call for desperate measures.

katey and I are going to start writing porn story lines, probably going to be millionares.

'i feel like i just died twice

was reborn again

for all our dirty sins

and the fast blood

hurricanes through me.'

Thomas Mun apparently is of utmost importance, coursecompass is idiotic, watched boys get rowdy tonight- put me in some shock pretty sure i reacted stupidly. Sometimes your reactions to things really make you just feel blah afterwards. shoulda said more. Pup is wonderful, told the mom the news and she just laughed but she won't be able to resist when she meets baby pabz.

"i just can't understand why we're going on."

i hear their new album bites, gonna check it out later on tonight.


i love this band, but i looked at their website and it made them seem so egotistical, maybe? je ne sais pas...

It felt good to go back to work today. I always dread it until I actually go.

'suck your own dick fuckass.'
to a very special someone in my life... oh, how i fucking hate you.

oh, and always remember it's best to create accounts for certain sites because,
'sometimes when you watch like 12 they make you login.'
i mean only if you're into that though.

tdy,nxtweekend,foundkeysss

going to nc next weekend for formerly known Giant now Braveyoung.

'she's left no one with her currents.'

if my baby honda don't make it across the state line we might as well lay down and die.

todays schedule: run 2ish miles, yoga, take the dog out a billion times, homework, turn the heat back on, feel oober relieved all day, watch rome while waiting for katey bitch to come home from work, chill out and watch some vhs, sleep with the cutest babygirl at the foot of my bed.

ohhhhhhmgggggggg: keys finally found. i fucking knew they were in this house. thanks c.

if anyone wants to go with me to a park today and freeze there bums off lets. i'm thinking baby pabz needs a little more exercise than the back yard can give her. if you've got a dog to bring along do babygirl needs some friendzzz.

YOOOOOOOOOOO BEACH WEEK PARTAYYYY LIFESTYLE AT MY HOUSE ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHTTTTT

FREE HOOKAHHHH AND PUNJABI MC ALLLLLL FUCKING NIGHT YO

WAKE UP NEXT TO HALF UGLY BOYS ON A COUCH WITH YOUR PANTS OFF.

SPILL BEER ON A FLOWERY CARPET AND PEOPLE'S FURNITURE- NO BODY GIVES A DAMN IT'S A PARTAYYYYY BITCHES.

THERE'S NO NEED TO EVER GO HOME BECAUSE THE PARTY NEVER STOPS

basically, this is my life. i mean it's pretty chill and all.
obviously katey and I were meant to be in this house. we both adore pong and the joys it brings.

NO!NO!NO! we want out yo.

Functionaries, in love with the notion that in digging this hole lies some measure of hope.

i'm tired, my pup is sleeping at the foot of my bed, had too many fucking douchebags here last night puking downstairs- chris, your friends should grow up because being obliterated over a toilet is certainly not.

keys are still lost.

it was simply stunning today. i left the windows open and turned off the heat. It felt so crisp in my room it was amazing.

Pabbi is doing pretty good. She's trying to trick me into giving her wet food all the time, but nahhhhh babygirl. She's napped a lot with me today, but that's normal. 18-22 hours a day haha, oh what a wonderful life that'd be.

Of all things to lose I lost my keys today. I have searched everywhere and I'm not sure what the fuck happened to them. I'm pretty sure that i had them this morning in order to open the door after class? But, then i could be kidding myself and at that point they'd still be in the house which i have thuroughly searched as well. It gave me a little panic attack earlier but i just told myself they had to be around.

i want giant, now braveyoung, to come back to richmonddddd

vet

baby pabbi seems to be in perfect condition. no signs of parvo, which was a big thing. one of her litter mates had parvo and she's been on treatment for it, so hearing that she doesn't have it is a relief.

training mode comes soon.

sometimes you just have to keep on keeping on. i'm exhausted, but i'm going to go run.

baby pabbi

no more bullshit.

vet later today. this adventure should be good.

doc style

last night cocaine cowboys, which i fell asleep during because i'm a lover of couch sleeping.
sex with strangers tonight should be a good one.
mmm such documentary buffs we are.

my aunt, she's just too fucking smart.

darling bianca, oh, anyway u can find the right one darling, ur still very young,beautiful, AND INTELLIGENT? is that it darling?hi hi hi hi,smoking cannabis or maryjane,drinking alcohol, and drugs.....,that, u can quit if u feel good inside of u,but if not, u take it again everytime u feel bad, its a pity but its like that....so think positive darling,coz we love u very much, about going here with katy and u, its fine for me,but no topless in my pool, (i know my co workers ),u can do that in the beach but not where i work darling oki doc ki!! but im happy to see my beautiful niece here again, and in a year or 2 kuya might be in paris (studying), so if he find his flat there, u can visit Paris then, AND THAT WOULD BE EXQUIS!!!!!!!!!!!n est pas darling!!so careful with ur FRENCH!!HO!HO!HO!



basically i'm going to learn how to speak fluent frech and go live with her.

panic attack mode.
dumping out trashcans with the roomie.
this weather is fucking brutal, the treadmill isn't making me less stressed, homework is already over my head. dear fucking lord if i don't get away soon i'm going to cause chaos.



26degrees right now.
i might run away to the beach this weekend.
maybe i'll just pitch at tent somewhere around the james.

really, i want to go back to martinique. maybe i'll con my aunt into helping me pay?

last couple of days have been hard. katey and I are going doctor crazy. I guess i might go for my anxiety, but i don't really know how i feel about taking meds for that shit. it's a been there done that sort of thing, and it never helps too much.

<-- great movie. i saw some of it on tv once and thought it was pretty awful, but watching it all the way through is different. Reminded me of a overly dramatic version of myself. I think i'm going to start running again. Cory, new roomie, moved in this weekend and brought a treadmill so i guess i'll start there. I started doing yoga again for the sake of my sanity and blood pressure. It opens up my pores, makes me feel alive. Had lunch with my parents yesterday, which was good. I even stole a picture from my old room. My little sister just looked too damn adorable. No lies, i cried.


I got down on my knees, but there was nothing to say. I tried to say a prayer, but goddamit there was nothing to fucking say.

'i feel jesus in the tenderness of honest, nervous lovers. lost in fog and love and faithless fear.'

dinner plans with katey. i think i might plan my getaway.

yoga

guess i'd forgotten how good you are.

we have single paned windows

did not feel like this picture while taking that damn astronomy exam. I walked in and my professor's eye was swollen and severely red- recent eye surgery. He was awkward, but had a table in his office just for tea and honey. I'm not sure what the says about him, but it made me feel a bit more comfortable.

I froze at every possible moment today. Our heater stopped working when the power went out and finally a nice gentleman came to fix it. Thankfully, because after this weekend the pipes would have definately, without any doubt frozen over. I was told to watch the filters in the house, so when he left I changed them all.

Katey lost her phone today after laughing about the attack that I had last night thinking I had lost mine. Currently: I'm lost haha it's a boring life not texting her.

Applied to almost all of the non-profits in the Richmond area today. Next I'm going to hit up the banks.

never thought about it more than today

lord, i'm discouraged.

test tomorrow is going to kill me.
math class site won't let me on... zeros here i come


started tat planning with thea yesterday, and I'm pretty sure we figured it all out. I'm still throwing around a lot of the ideas, but soon enough it will all be figured out.

^ parts of this are going to be in it, ship is going to be reconstructed, black clouds coming in, pretty happy with the idea.

'the scent of your skin your ivory skin is the thing one would kill a man in an instant to get close to'












'no, i never asked why'


astronomy sucks, i can't believe i was foolish enough to miss the exam first time around. this library stinks, i just want to go home.

should be studying....

'i'm watching porn in my whoretell dressing gown.'

notebooks

I've been using this notebook that i had with me last semester when i left my laptop at home. Found some 'entries' per say that i really like. I've also just been writing here and there whatever comes to mind, and i threw a few of those lines in too.

'The grunt of the blow hit me. You sailed on blue clouds and smoked the finest green. I heard from you sparingly. I didn't know if I wanted to ever hear from you.'

'I wish you'd finish running away, but I wish you'd finish far from me. I wanted to grow old without you. My lust had turned to hatred. I was so bitter.'

'The beginning was so beautiful. Rays of sun melted my heart. Liquor filled our bellies, the walls dripped like honey at night. The middle left me insane. I liked the intensity of my emotions around you. I knew I was alive.'

'We never played around with drugs. We didn't need to. The small effects that hash ever had on me anymore was attainable through your lips, and I was always drunk off of you. I can't speak for you, but maybe you get what I'm saying. You of all people I would hope knew exactly what I was saying.'

'altogether,

I sang holdsteady and sort of wished for the golden days. I didn't mind too much though. Stealing that from me was good. I forgot what it was like to be so pure. Althogether, things were wonderful. I'd rest my head and sigh but altogether things were just fine.'


this makes me nostalgic. I'm going to try to write more often.

thinking this might be a good idea, but then i could totally be fooled.


wretched tummy ache from yesterday carrying over today
fuckkkk math

I'll let your smile just off and carry me.


So, today I reworked my resume so that I could turn it in to some temp agencies. I've got to find something for this summer, and even though I've got some time I'm worried. Currently I'm trying to stash away money in my savings in case things go awry. School started the other day, and who would have thought- I'm already over it.
Homefront news: Katey and I are trying to think of ways to make things work. We got a new couch today which is floral and magenta and makes me want to puke. I took out a shit ton of trash and did about 4 loads of laundry. Chase has still yet to pack his bags although with each day he's owing us more and more money. Cory has begun parking in our driveway and hopes to move in ASAP. If things fall apart someone is taking over our part of the lease. Pretty much I'm fed up. I've learned a lot from this experience and even though Chris is a good guy, pays the bills and all that, he's like the annoying neighbor. There's constant questions streaming from his mouth and a hope that one day we'll join his strange party happenings. Unfortunately, Katey and I work too often to come home and want to listen to a group of guys yelling and acting like sloppy drunks. Pretty much, I'm over that.
Mom news: I had a good time this weekend. She was sour when I first got there because I hadn't gotten the damn receipt for the lost iPhone earlier, but I set her straight. I politely asked her to cheer up and not be so upset over something silly. She set me straight and told me she never asks for anything so when prompted to do something I ought to because it's important. I got that, and I appreciated the small smile I got out of it. She told me of her fear: that i had brought along the hated Katey. Oh, what a complex it is to have two people, both whom i adore and love, hate each other so.

this is stupid I'm done ranting.

the bible didn't mention us, not even once.
mmm, I don't think I'm really ready for class today. If only I could call in haha

2 girls

1 trashbag.
lol, ntc lifestyle?

Dani's coming to stay for the week, which should be pretty damn fun.

today would have been a good day to just starting running.
kyle and i had a conversation today about how we want to get out of this god forsaken town, but how we probably never will. I realize too though that i'm young, and by the end of next year i could be packing my bags for a place that may not be any better than richmond.
My dad always asks me why i don't transfer, why i don't try looking outside of richmond. He's a smart man. I like that he knows i should get out. I guess he thinks she's going to swallow me whole.

I'm searching hardcore for a job. I've got to get something for the summer because Uway can't employ me, but not too many other non-profits are hiring.

Heard a few songs today that made me nostalgic:


that's not the version i have on my ipod, but it's close enough.



there's absolutely not a single day that goes by that i don't listen to this song.


katey and i are embarking upon a new creative adventure. It seemed to work out pretty well last time, so I guess we'll hit the note pads and see where this one goes.

meds

aren't really supposed to make you feel worse? My crazy family dressed up my crazy dog in an old teal shirt that my dad used to wear. Haha, I didn't think the shirt was dog wearing worthy yet, but I guess they let Jade pick it out.

I'm waiting for the cravings to go away. Nicotine gum is sickkk.

happy new years everyone. katey and I almost went to bed at around 10, but then forced ourselves to find ways to salvage the night. We talked a lot about how amazing it is that we're still friends after being apart for 5 years and so on. We discussed our plans to move out with kyle when he graduates, and how shitty our current roommates are. I realized that i don't really have much to complain about, which is a good thing. I've got really amazing people in my life. Sure, there's the few who step all over me and those who are just plain rude, but when do I ever see those people? I have an amazing job and even though it's kind of boring it pays well and I enjoy the company. I have Ukrop's, but i call in constantly so it's not even like a job anymore. I have a lot of health problems, so i tend to complain a lot about that. Katey and I discussed how I throw pity parties for myself in front of her because of it, but that she can handle it. We were honest, and what we talked about was raw. There was no lying, no holding back, and I really appreciated it. I told her the truth about what was going on in my life. She told me the truth about hers. She's my rock, but even then most people aren't always honest, which is understandable because when you live with someone you want to have something that you can call your own even if it's just feelings or a story. :) I'm so appreciative of new years haha.

So, anyways the point is I'm a lucky girl. I'm broke a lot, my belly hurts almost 24/7, i hate working, but it all doesn't really matter that much when i think about it. Anyways, i love youuuu guys and hope yours was amazing.