you see this is what happens everytime:

i've got wonderful material (my little brother seeing off our wonderful friend Ana, my new wacky job, the shit that marcy keeps pulling on me at bakers, the past (chris specifically and how it's affecting me currently), and moving out/into a new place)

but i get so goddamn fucking irate that NONE of it matters. That the words just fall from my head. that no matter how much a lone time i have and spend next to a pad of paper my pen will be lost, and my words will NOT be recieved on paper.

i'm really enjoying this whole let your love dwindle thing.

Treevenge

We are all broken

I just lost my super glue.

my aunt

leaves to go back to the carribean this morning: total bummer.
i probably should have handled her visit better: staying the night with my family, eating dinner with them every night, but hey i've got bad character.

im hoping to visit her during fall break.
im hoping that soon i'll be able to be on my feet again.
im hoping to get out of this damn rut.

honestly, i'm hoping for nothing more than a decent day at work.
putting my smile on in
5..4..3..2..1..
NOW.

it's my birthday

and i'll cry if i want to.

secretregrets.com

regret:

i'll be making postsecret cards and hoping my mistake gets on secretregrets if i don't have it out with you soon. we're meant for a different kind of love and that makes me more in love with you than anything. We push this forward and we're ruined. I know you're rarely honest, and that's why I can't look you in the eye. I know that muffled sounds of one another are put to rest, and no matter how much I'd like to hold your hand I'm lying. No matter how genuine you think this is you're lying.

no regrets because i adore you. no regrets because you're supposed to be in my life. no regrets because you'll be in my life but reborn. no regrets because we're going to stop all this LYING.

when i read what my writing has changed to i'm beyond disappointed. fml

How I Nap

I woke up confused and disoriented on the bed and feeling terrible for drifting away before you arrived. I jumped a bit and said, "oh, hi." You laugh your fucking gorgeous laugh and sit on the bed while replying. I'm still squirming around because I'm at such a loss for how to act other than extremely groggy. I sing the morning song, groans and sighs and all, while stretching to sit up with you.

"So, tell me about painting."

"It was the most surreal thing that could have happened today. Today was just completely surreal. I spent the day painting a garage which is weird enough, I smoked with someone who has known me since I was a literal child, I bought from the same person, and then I drove all

around town with my brother."
"Haha today I spent 4 hours passing out coupons in a neighborhood."

"4 hours? That's terrible."

"Yea. So, what's new with you?"

"Nothing at all really."

At this point I'm laying back down, leaning on your shoulder, and dosing away. I want you to join me so I decide not to prop my neck up. I sit up for a moment though, and pull the blanket over myself. When I lay back down my pillow has been stolen and I'm forced to lay closer to you. [score, great success!]

I'm on the verge of deep sleep, I'm literally on the edge, but I'd like to listen to you more. You tell me about a Title Fight show from a few nights ago,

"So, that show the other night was crazy. Title Fight just played through the body guards getting punched."

"Wow that sounds crazy. I thought about going to it but it sounds like a good thing that I didn't."

"Yeah, it was insane."

Falling asleep to you running your hands through my hair is all I need. I am exhausted. I am tore down. Somehow we spend the next couple of hours only briefly waking up for kisses and to make sure we are holding hands. The groggy sound of our voices, the necessary clearing of ones throat, the stretching groans, and the soft snoring is a symphony. If only I could write music.

"What time is it?"

"mmm...i don't know...?" A soft rumble comes from my belly and I'm wondering if Katey has found us or if she's even made it home yet. I grab my cell phone and check, 830pm.

"How are we trying to nap at 8:00?"

"haha, shit I don't know." I sit up and turn the light on.

"What should we do tonight?"

"Hmmm..."

Katey walks in the door, "Yooooooooo."

She grabs a gb, I get comfortable on the futon laying in the middle of our floor, you wrap yourself like a mummy in my sheets, and my nap is over.

falling off it seems...

it's never like the song goes, it's never like the novel's write it, and it's definately never how i envisioned it. You like me better when I'm fat, you enjoy round two more than sleeping, and it's never in his arm instead it's always in her arms.

it is a twisted around, mashed up, tangled mess. It's the single most comfortable and simple thing i've ever been a part of. The questions are all answered, the actions are all set, and the feelings quite delicately reserved. Not reserved but nonexistant, no resent just hell bent on having second best.

family?

wtf is that?
having a serious issue.

longtemps

"they'll never get inside/we've got too much to hide."
sometimes i get these urges and these pulls. i greatly hate it when people who are important to me fall off of the universe.

visiting my parents tonight and probably staying with them. oh, what an odd feeling.

i'm probably going to drag a few of my friends from hiding. this is unacceptable.

calzone night

hahahahaha

i like to prey on big fat elephants

www.blackplanet.com/biancantc

haha

you've got this weird hold on me and it's fuckin me up.
hardwood floor nights and too much to drink was never what i was looking for, and it's not what i'm looking for now, but sometimes it plays in my mind for no reason.

you: "i've been busy in the county all week, but when i started drinking i couldn't help but talk to you."
me: "i've been busy not wanting you all week, but when i'm sitting around sometimes i can't help but talk to you."

this is crucially silly because honestly i'm just dwelling on all of my options:)


life update: went to the beach this weekend and parachuted.
1. buckroe: pabbi is fucking stoked, we're all fucking stoked, and then the park ranger informs us on their dog policy. FUCK. At this point we are at a loss for how to fix such a problem.

finallyyyy,
2. first landing: fun for about 2 hours, but only because of the weather. The wind was pelting all of us, the sun rarely came out from behind the clouds, and pabbi was miserable, so we left. We brainstormed and finally decided we'd head back home and try to go to the Randolf pool.

closed.

unsuccessful weekend camping trip #2. good thing i don't give a fuck and can always have fun:)

http://doitforthefame.com/
http://dropular.net/drop/9112/
http://ffffound.com/image/00c326b57d8d7a3152e7283342dcc8693b838bf8

freaking pissed.
freaking broke.
freaking outttttt

vs.

that kind of lovin sends a man to his grave

around this time last year i almost had kidney failure. i'd been to the emergency room, seen doctors, the whole mess, and because the last doctor was the only doctor to figure it out i nearly missed graduation.

my darling aunt was here for the whole ordeal, and she comes back tonight:)

i have nothing at all to write lately.

this is odd.

i have this love for water.

i've always dreamed of parachuting and jumping in water. last year on the eve of my birthday all i dreamed of doing was going to the river. my wish was not granted, but ah well.

today, we're going to the beach and i'm going to fucking fly away.
'i'm higher now than when i ever broke down.'

SAFELY OUT OF SIGHT FROM WHERE I AM!

late to work today
job applying all day.
even resorted to begging mrs. armbrust, my elementary teacher, for a job.
have a shitta errands to run today, which is a fucking bummer.

i fought the law/war

vs.

these ass wipes are like a quarter of a wipe. you're going to be pissed.
really?!? i'm sure i am. they're from the dollar store.

katey and i woke up this morning to be sucked into the vaccuum we call PUPPY MOVIES.
I cannot fucking wait until january. IWANTAPUPPYNOW! :)
I don't know why the hell i get up so early just to have nothing to do. I'm running errands all day. WOOOOOOO

hey does anyone have a lighter?

i probably have one, but at the moment i'm eating.

it's a good morning.

http://xcirclepitx.blogspot.com/2008/07/carrier-one-year-later-2007.html

i hate having to watch you grow up from a distance. i need to make it to Ohio asap.

dreams, forreal?!

in a drunken stooper i headed to bed, after a series of terrible thoughts running through my head i passed out and terrible dreams ensued.

the only one i even vaguely remember involved a very small snake that followed katey and i around. it was a vicisous orange snake that for some reason no one took the time to kill. so, it was a dream literally about everyday life going on but with a snake that wants to bite the shit out of you constantly on your heels.

im wondering what this has to do with the happenings of that night?

baker's crust:

we're always hiring because we're always firing.

that's how i feel after this meeting. scaring us is an incorrect tactic.

fed up.

camping next weekend, and it's going to feel better than good to get the hell out of richmond again.

1202love.

more than stoked about tonight.
i'm going to be falling down.
i'm going to be beligerent.
i'm going to be fucked up^!
i'm going to be crunk as shit.
i'm going to be in need of an ambulance.

i'm gonna fucking party.
pabbi and cory are out of town:)
we get to break all the rulez.

RAWR.

shoulda been me all night.

user friendly.

fuck.

i find it exceptionally

rude when people leave unannounced and without explanation.

my family may be relocating to NC, which really bothers me. I'm really quite unsure how i will handle living in this city without a little bit of their support. Goddammitttttttt, fuck this recession bullshit. I've gotten to the point where i realize that skating by honestly is not so bad. I don't care about having extra money anymore. I just need to eat, have a roof over my head, and supply dranks for my friends. I want to travel and get the fuck out of this black hole, but where would katey and I go? Where the fuck would we feel comfortable for longer than a few days other than richmond?

our fla trip is happening soon. we're just waiting for me to have the money and for kyle to get home from beach week. at one point all of our little brothers weren't answering their phones. I seriously considered driving down there to make sure they were all alright. Finally, the least likely brother, Eric, calls me. I don't answer because I'm in the other room, but it leaves me much less concerned.

Our camping trip is planned for the 14th-16th. Everyone is maybe attending, which is shit. Make up your mindssss:) I'm not sure how this is going to pan out, but it's going to be good even if it ends up being katey, alissa, taylor, kyle, and i.

i'm going to keep writing all day, but i'm going to go spend some quality time with my gbz. this isn't really writing, but most of that stuff i keep hidden anyways.

a sunny day

and it's still cold.
that's a funny thing

http://littleredstring.com/

i thuroughly enjoy this band.

bungalow

in the middle of richmond.

balcony cigs, sweaty damp couches, open windows, pouring sunlight, sweet canned lemonade= perfect summer day.

definately

got my feelings hurt yesterday and this morning.
got called nutz, which is always a bummer.
got the hint, which is duh always another bummer.

i fell asleep on your text last night, which is unfortunate.
i suppose the cycle has begun itself again.

fuckkkkkk.
all i'm saying is i can't fucking wait for this camping trip.
i'm gonna stay fucked the whole time. thank the fucking lord above for whoever came up with all this candy.

ghey family.

parachuted this weekend, which was actually a mistake.

I couldn't believe it went downhill, but there's always that one time your favorite turns sour.

the same 3 people who have been my support system were once again the 3 who helped all night. The roof of my house is so comforting, and i love the time i spend on it with you. i also found that CIGARETTES calmed me down significantly. I want Adam and amber to come so badly, but who knows when they will come visit. I think i'm going to have to plan a trip up there soon.

i wonder what it feels like to be found out. The cheater deleted me from facebook this morning/last night, so I'd be guessing it's embarrassing. I wish that Ashley had told me like she wanted to, but that's always hard. I remember telling Tom Cruise's girlfriend about myself- fucker. Such a bummer when you find out about wasted time too. Ah, well. Thankfully it's so over and done with there's no pain from the awkward situation.

pabbi is getting too big for the bed. my baby is getting all growned up:) counting down until january- we're getting a new babyyy!

cheaters

it's so fun to find that you spent a winter wanting to move in with some stupid dude

WHO WAS CHEATING.

haha- I SHOULDA CHEATED.
i loveeee when lives converge and shit gets spilt.
Valentines day was beautiful, and so is the truth.

yes for staying in clay house and not being stupid enough to pack up any of my shit.
i think i might never eat oatmeal again. SSIIKKEE

mini vaca was amazing, duh.
black and whites coming in a week or so.
looking for a second job, loading up on some 5htp.
bought some clearance twisted and now i'm trying to recreate last thursday.
tequila is in the fridge and the cap is packed.

i need a long vaca no more mini.
im taking a camping trip soon- i need to know who's down.

everybody is saying no

but i'm begging for a yes.

always a wonderful night when i get to sleep on the floor.
I'll never look at hardwood the same.

Chris is heading home today, and we are heading to the beach.
I'm ready to get out of richmond, and i'm ready for another mini vaca.

i have a new outlook- a fresh breath. I love waking up only to smile.

side squeeze

introducing

you was easy.
i thought i was going to stumble over the words, but luckily i did not.

i love when random people show up at my house. I love how really excited i get, i even love when they insult me! but, i won't lie- i really do love it because sometimes i miss random people.

talking about that infamous picture made me miss you some, but then again i wasn't looking at the picture. haha, what a fucking piece of work i can be.

I'm just remember what it was like to get out of my 3 year relationship. I'm watching a lot of friends get married right now, and knowing that if we hadn't broke it off I'd win the greatest house wife award for Tennessee. I'm glad i fell away for belief, because getting married over having the same beliefs is just silly. I especially want to knock out the friends who i know that are getting married just to have the ability to break their vow of celibacy.

whatever, i'm not getting married- that's all. thank god.

but, i remember getting back into the groove of dating, and it was killer. i remember thinking i was on top of the world really.

eh, im not writing about this.

and all of that time you thought i was sad

i was trying to remember your name.

live through this and you won't look back.

= this weekend
= saying au revior

Are my knees fucking up or is it just this weather?

here we go again

best night ever, reinvented- rewound- restarted

2 bottles of lambic, a handle of sweet tea vodka, a liter of watermelon vodka
this is going to end beautifully.

maybe i thought wrong?
possibly i saw something different

i dont feel anything unless we're living and dying for eachother

why does it seem

that i'm part of a night owl project?

drinking tonight alongside laundry and the virgin suicide
please someone spice up my night.

2shot

awesome night except for me being a jackass who runs into mailboxes.
i'm honestly taken aback by how much i've been smiling lately.
i also forgot that burnettes is not all that bad: watermelon flavored with cranberry juice as a chaser- so good.

1. my mom got super drunk last night and was hilarious
2. taking shots really late at night
3. having people visit me from out of town
4. eating out lotzzz
5. saying goodbye and being strong enough to follow through this time
6. nearly never working and still getting by
7. why the hell not smile?

nonstop smiling.

thank you corey for taking this picture.

muse

i may have finally found inspiration.
i spent all day at work writing.
i haven't written in months.
it felt so refreshing, it felt like home.

of course, i left it at work.
soooo, it's going to be exciting to see who finds it in the AM.
lolz, hopefully they have a sense of humor?

refuse to go over there, that's all there's left for me to do.
with or without good results, it's what's best.

i'm more than willing to say it's worth it.

last night

impacted me greatly.

firstly: i fucking love to party. Point blank, it's one of my favorite past times. I don't know what it does for me, but it's a break from the real world. I thuroughly enjoy it.

secondly: People with personalities rock my fucking world. I met so many people last night who were just spewing with greatness. I wouldn't take back my lifestyle for anything.

thirdly: i love dressing fucking weird. Katey and i were bummed as shit yesterday when we couldn't find anything, and when i stumbled upon the red dress i wore it was fucking spectacular. I don't know why, but i like it lots.

fourthly: i cannot believe the people who show up sometimes. People from my past, people bound to be a part of my future, and even people i used to hate manage to show up on my doorstep. I actually had a panic attack last night and cried on the way home from a trip to 711 because of who showed up, but it's lovely to get closer and closer to saying au revior.

fifthly: those who care about me and look past my many imperfections are the people who make me any bit wonderful. After my fit of crying there were 3 people who really came through. I'll never stop cherishing you.

sixthly: I may be a couch sleeper, but i am most definately not a floor sleeper. I can't say i really minded though.

seventhly: i fucking live a bloody wonderful life, and i hope to never take things for granted.

there's seems to be a need for some decision making

i've been searching for polaroid film all day. I want my gorgeous 420 to get some use out of itself.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080418073707AACsBT8

Katey and I are planning a trip for FLA with baby klye. There are a few people I'm considering asking to come along, but that's for later. We're going for a few reasons:
1. why the hell not?
2. tickets are cheap as shit.
http://www.orbitz.com/App/ViewFlightSearchResults?retrieveParams=true&z=d4ce&r=2q&z=d4d0&r=2s&lastPage=interstitial
3. my teeth problem can be helped via pain clinic
http://www.drugbuyers.com/freeboard/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/816755/fpart/2
4. BEACH! duhz

the funny thing is we've already got down the basics:
1. katey and i will get there in a fit of terror
2. we will both panic and decide we have to leave earlier than planned
3. we'll get to the pain clinic and go get my perscription filled
4. eat
5. beach
6. go back to the airport and hope we can find a way home same day.

butttt, i'm assuming this will all be different with baby klye being there. he'll just tell the both of us to shut the fuck up. :)best brudda in da worlddd.

accomplished

a lot today. fuck a beach:)
Met up with Danielle, who has decided to take the room. My feelings on the situation: a bit excited, but mostly whatev. She has a cute cat, which worries me with pabbi, but i think eventually they will both adjust. The funniest: her boyfriend walks in and says, "i think i partied here once?"
Anywho, i'm glad to have a new roommate, a new face, a fresh start, maybe?

Grabbed lunch with the current roomies, which is always a good time. Came home and layed around in the yard where cory proclaimed, "Bianca, you're nipple is out. I wasn't even tryna look. But, it was bound to happen with all of your boob slip ups." I quickly pushed my boob back in my bikini and continued to roll around in laughter. Soon after we were both dripping with sweat and decided to take pabz up to northbank. I'd never been, but loved it. Pabbi loved it even more.

As soon as we got there some silly shit ensued. There was a guy in the distance trying to figure how the hell he was going to get back onto mainland, and as he stepped on the rock in front of him a blue snake of some sort slithers up. He screams, "HOLY FUCK," and the snake gets pulled away by the current. It trys to fight, but there's just no hope. The snake continues to slither up a tree and shows all of it's 5 foot glory to us. I wasn't even the one in any danger and i was fucking scared.

Pabbi got thrown into the river, and showed us her killer swimming skills. :) i'm a proud parent, without a doubt. Came home and tried to go on a moto ride, but no luck. Someone please just teach me how to ride. Anywho,today was good and refreshing. Now, we're trying to solve my teeth problem... dum, dum, dum.

my teeth are killing me. thank youuuuu quimonda for fucking up and closing down. thankkkk youuuu america for letting me be one of the only members in my family with a job. I'M POOR BITCH, I GOT NO MONEY IN THE BANK.

where am i going to get fucking health insurance?

I guess that's why we left so we could take a step keep moving and forget the rest.
au revior, take care of yourself in this city boy.

"a life-form that loves to fantasize about its own demise."
honestly one of my fave movies.

sushi and 40s was one of the best ideas i think i've ever had. my roof is killer, and so is couch sleeping during notorious.

smiles all around, it's going to be another sticky sweet summer.

my life right now.

heard i'm going downhill, should be fun as long as i don't get grassburn.
heard i'm intelligent, so i think i'll read a book.

im not in the slightest bit ready for work today.
the raw transition is going to suck, my stomach is already pissed at me.
honestly the only thing i'm craving right now that isn't raw is oatmeal. i definately miss the red bowl days and waking up to black coffee and a hot serving of oatmeal.

Things are pretty good right now. Gotta grab some 40s tonight for tomorrow. Gotta decide on where to get sushi- decisions, decisions, decisions. Oh, i'm the worst.



"keep blowing and lighting
because we own the sky."

having stuff

to look forward to makes life grand.

i'm cooking dinner tonight- my last supper:)

going on a bananna binge tomorrow and then trying to go raw soon again.

i really fucking suck at this raw thing, but i think i should be able to stick to it for a while.

except for sushi, but i mean...

i haven't had a 40 in so long. last time jamie and i fought and i played the part of a dragon. hahaha. this should be interesting to say the least.

DC trip was so successful. Katey finally got her first tat! Paid Reid a nice little visit, and loled about QOC. We ate mountains of food, especially me. Tapas bars are honestly one of my fucking favorite things. I only really know of 2 in richmond, and have only been lucky enough to go to one.

kyle got stranded last night, so we went to pick up baby brotha. I wasn't allowed to drive, so i sat in the passenger seat. I got so anxious when they asked me to pick the music, and looked like an idiot. I panicked over music haha. we came back home and the party was over. i felt disrespected later on in the night, but oh well. I did get,
"You! You're the important one!"
yelled at me, and it definately made my night. So, thank you bobcat.



I spoke to Jake last night, and am wondering what he really feels about the whole girlfriend breakup thing. I'm hoping he's as fine as he tells me. I don't really question that, but you know it's easiest to hide. I want to visit home so badly, it's been too long.



we're venturing off to dc today in hopes of washing some richmond dirt off of our skin. I'm just trying to get the fuck away for a while. I've lost my phone momentarily i believe, which is a fucking bummer. I'm going to veg out today and probably get another tattoo. FUCK MY BANK ACCOUNT.

i'm getting so bored with my body again.

i guess i'm going to figure out something to alter, but i'm idealess on tattoos.

all i want to do is be a bum and lay in a hammock. i've got to buy one soon.

my cousins father passed away recently and all it makes me want to do is fucking visit him and never come back to rva. i freaking want to take a trip to the carribean so bad

http://www.larrycarlson.com/front2005.htm

i really enjoyed this, but why? je ne sais pas.

honestly

the greyhound brought me a nice surprise. Bowman and I talked for hours on the porch, and reminisced about last summer. That summer was a wreck, a mess. I was jobless and entangled in the sticky sweetness of such lazy days and the hazy air of summer. We all were.

More than anything i was in love. I was in love with capturing every moment, with tackling every experience, and with the ebb and flow of the days and hours and minutes. I couldn't have been more happy or more miserable all at once. It was the summer of reverie and teenage angst. I was most in love with the pain and ever more so in love with all the laughter.

This summer, a year later, I'm hoping will reach it's full potential. I don't know what I'm looking for in it, but things will just fall from the sky and we hope it all gets us high. "the things that make you high will make you die." I want a party pit and those certain songs that get so scratched into our souls. I wantwantwant, but HONESTLY I'll settle for anything that makes me smile. And HONESTLY who can call that settling?

so you started calling me again, and i fucking don't know why.
the last time i saw you all i did was get up every five minutes to pee.

i haven't tried to contact you in a while, nor was i planning to.
i genuinely miss watching funny asian movies and adult swim, but that's all over and done with.
i think about just going over there because we both need some closure, and a goodbye would be nice, but what kind of a stupid girl do i seriously want to let myself be?

we're going to the beach on sunday, and i'm thinking about getting tattooed again. I want something on my leg, but i'm not 100% sure what yet. I'm broke though, so maybe i shouldn't be so silly with my money. If i could get you to come with and get tatted with me i would honestly say fuck my wallet. you are cute beyond words, you've got me talking silly:)

wow, the cops are at my fucking place.
i would have never imagined.

i've got to write tomorrow. this blog has become so mindless.

baby brother got his heart broke, and it makes me so sadddd

i honestly hope to never see your face again.

please paint your room that color

picking up bowman

in the morning, which im extra excited about.

ate a fucking spectacular meal tonight, saw an awesome play, and spent the night in the city.
i forget what its like to go out haha, such a hermit crab i am.
slosherama is tomorrow night, which i am sadly unprepared for.
Going to some asian festival with my parents tomorrow taking care of both my dads bday and mothers day!
my arm still hurts terribly, but i managed a B in sociology thinking i'd fail completely.
lawd, it's been a nice evening.

i am a couch sleeper

feel terrible after spending over 4 hours in the chair.
morgan lasered me- everything went smoothly
thea did my tattoo right afterwards- awesome, with killer pain
it's much bigger than i thought it was going to be, but ah well lol
I think i'm getting too top heavy though, i need to get some leg work soon.

"lots of people have sleeves, but aint nobody got a sock."
pictures and such later.

somehow

i bring out the worst in men.
walked past construction workers who found it appropriate to yell at me, had someone stop their car to try to talk to me, and had someone play an r&b song about love while pointing and lipsinking at me... this all happened from harrison to belvidere while on foot via marshall.

give me a fucking break.
i just want to walk my dog!

she shot the bullet

getting tatted tomorrow
getting lasered tomorrow- OUCH!
studying as much as i can
dear lord i hope i pass

to be a loyal liar- one whos loyality lies in lying.

AND THE OAKLEY SHADES GO SO HARD WIT IT.

lolz

dude, you're eating a banana with coconut shit on it. i mean how am i not supposed to laugh at you eating a banana that looks like it has cum all over it? you seriously expect me to not laugh?

NO JUST DON'T WATCH ME!

Bowman

what a character. He is one person that i can say has impacted my life in such a way that i can't even describe. Living in Charlottesville has done him a lot of good, and i'm proud of how much he's grown. He claims to be coming for a visit during slosherama, which i'm totally stoked on. I'm pretty ready for his stories haha.

using machine, i think that's the only name left for you.
"And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new " e e cummings

last night i was going to see you and chill out for a while, but i got nervous. I probably ruined it because you tend to be a one chance sorta person, butttt I've been doing fine so what's it to me. Katey and I loled about the cuteness of what once was haha. I loved unannounced visits, and so did she- meant somebody cared. haha well anyways we shall see what happens.

i guess i just haven't had any words lately.

pabbi likes her personal margarita glass :)

mustache may

i am ever hopeful

LOLin

at, "EWWWW, you dont know where that's been at."
cory- mad love.

RAW

going completely raw again starting tomorrow.
buying the uncook book asap

my belly is scareddddd

errbody be trippin

dumpster love

haha so silly.

anais nin

after not being with you for a few months i decided i could pick up this book and not smell your sheets, plus you moved out of that house so that smells forever gone.

Henry and June has me entangled. I never want to get up out of the sun nor do i ever want to stop reading it. I believe I'm going to get a collection of her works. She's a sexual beast and it makes me so calm inside. Her journals are filled with honesty and lust. Her problems, although much escalated, are those i battle with myself. They are my life written on paper, everything I've wanted to say but have forgotten. Where did my words lose themselves?

Her love is equilateral.

Cigarettes: this stick of beauty and eloquence pours out smoke and brings minutes of joy, but is it worth years of hacking up my precious lungs? God, why does this weather make me want to break my habit of NOT smoking?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bianca

this mostly made me smile

my trip to the beach has me dreaming of getting tatted.

i'm thinking it's going to be an amalgamation of the these

They dumped her body into the molten light

floated to the surface and did not ignite

help i'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer

i think i'm going to start singing for my dads jam band...
i think it'll give me lots to smile about.

ALL I DO IS PARTY

honestly, even under the academic part of blackboard it reads

PARTY 101

PARTY 201

PARTY 301

PARTY 401

PARTY FUCKING GRADUATE

and im still such a little girl...

all i can literally say after reading paragraphs about you fucking other girls is:

FUCK YOURSELF THE WAY YOU LOVE TO FUCK ME

because brotha imma fuck someone new.
plus, it must feel good fucking whores while you're thinking about me and our quickies. ohhhh, it literally must be "squirt" (thank you mandy's shirt) worthy.

"quickie"

what wonders that does for respectable women- hahah FUCK YOU.

parachuted all weekend, drank the rest.
most amazing partayyyy.
DD= :D
found someone who loves pabbi seriously more than me.
gonna buy a futon so we've got a place to stay
gonna eat some beans and waste away!
river, and then something.... no fizzle this time.

watched burn after reading last night, always a good movie. Jeff took me to see it the first time, bummer. My roommates were exceptionally rude while i had a hot date:) haha literally the worst date ever- a tv the size of my head which had lines running across it to the beat of the hammer in the background, which later turned to a treadmill.

Oh, how i fucking love the rudeness. Although, i'm sure if i brought you over they'd be cheery and fantastic because you're no good for me. FUCK ME.

I do believe the clenching in my heart and the burning in my stomach comes from my undying love for you. I write much like a child when speaking of you because i know no other words to fit my situation. when i leave your house in the mornings i always sing, "the right kind of love on a Sunday morning." I think your love is all that is right. I know if i want to return to the smiling girl i once was i need to leave you. It is imperative that i push you away. It is important i leave you and stop myself from leading astray.

i am your territory.

i am your battlefield.

You fight your internal wars on me and needle your records on me. You throw your silky covers on me to make it okay. I dream of their touch against my skin and always let you flood my life again. You drown in your sorrows in front of me and forget to bombard me with love and saturate my soul with happiness. You do get me water bottles and let me use your GB. I do have a warm bed and your beautiful side next to me. You do force your love me.

I do fail miserably each time you call.

I do hope to never leave you.

I do love the fucking life out of you.

i'm too weak and i can't find the fear

what does that say about me? that I'm a cowardly bastard. I can't stick up for myself for longer than a week and I always choose you over me. I choose you over everyone. It's a dreadful situation, and leaves me with killer abrasions. I'd measure our love in ounces and our lust in kilos, but only if I'm joking. We can't run away.

21 questions

is always fun with you.

it keeps me occupied, and i have a week full of wondering why you asked.

I don't want you to leave, i don't want to be the stronger person, and i don't to effortlessly and constantly always be in love with you.

damn, it'd be goooooood to be a freebird.

weekend plans

pre-easter party at my place for all of those who want to go to church hung over in the morning with their parents!

ready for any sort of TENSION that there may be. Pretty sure no one in the house is standing for any bullshit. So, ahem for those of us who don't want the partyy.... GET OUT.

we're all walking on glass, waiting for something epic to erupt. haha that's what she said, duhz.

TENSION

you have to stop seeing me or you won't move. You have to get on the road before your chances get burned away. Staying to ruin me- really not worth it. I'm sure I could find another boy who wouldn't mind taking your spot. Just tell me how to get you the fuck away from me.

I dream of going down a spiral when I ponder seeing you. I already know all of the causes and effects. It's written in stone, and how could i forget? I want to get fucked up and use all of my seratonin to get through this. I always follow through because more than anything I'm afraid of hurting you. You're insecure and that's why you fuck me up. What kind of hold do you have on me? Where does this unconditional love come from when it's for someone who'd stand by and watch me get curb stomped?

what if i buy your ticket? will leaving seem more appealing?

truth or dare

i played for the first time since almost elementary school. I am literally the worst player. My game was a bit less passionate than the picture, but ayeeee aint my money long? :) (ahem, katey.)

I got dared to wake someone up around 5ish am and then ask them if they had gas-x. :) one of the most emberassing moments of my life right alongside one of the funniest. I'm glad i sucked it up and did it even though i laughed through the whole thing to where no one understood my request.

I admitted something about you that made me a little sick to my stomach. You're pretty fucking old, dudeeeee. Haha, i kid because i think age is one of the stupidest barriers. I'm thinking you might be moving soon so you're avoiding the goodbye. I have decided I will personally drive to LA and get my goodbye if i have to. I feel like we're done, and I don't think i can let you ruin another one of my relationships this year. You've got to move on- stop loving me, I've stopped loving you.

i have watched my house fall apart this weekend.
katey and i got into a brawl for the first time in our million year relationship, and then our new roommate decided it was okay to throw all of the stuff that belonged to katey and i in trash bags with trash. Then proceeding to throw them in our newly cleaned room. I have to admit, at first, i was ready to literally go downstairs and throw more punches, but instead katey went first and ended up getting everything thrown on her. The problem escalated way out of hand and names were thrown around like we were back in middle school. I will never in my life be more horrified at the way things were handled. I am absolutely disgusted.

Cory: I love love love you and hope this house figures it shit out. I've already accepted your apology, so no worries.

Now, I will say that in my life I have never gone so far as to belittle my own self. I have never thought it appropriate to convince someone to fuck up someone elses shit. Sure, i've fucked some people over and I've been a bitch, but I'm ever respectful of others property. I admit, once again, that i went into our new roommates room to try to find a sandal. It was rude on my part to not ask, but I was in a hurry and assumed she could trust me enough to let me use her sandal. This too was blamed on katey after I stated that i was the one at fault. I then searched the house for almost an hour looking for my cell phone. Everyone helped except for a few. I found it in the top dresser drawer of the new roomie with alarms turned off and the phone on silent. hmmmm, but i'm not making accusations that could have very well been my fault.

The situation was partly resolved, but no apologies have been made. Pride, although important and something we all have, is never something that should override a needed apology. It seems that everything has cooled down, but who knows how long that will last. I would seriously love to find a roommate who isn't in this house to fuck us over. That'd be fucking tightttttt.

Act like a lady, think like a man

katey and i fist fought. hahaha
of course things are fine.
sharing custody of the dog.
spending too much time in the sun.

someone call me 5022916774
lets enjoy some of this together.

i hate the idea of

a boy being mean to you to show affection.



It's strange how brainwashed we are. I was thinking about when I was a child and Daniel Ordonia used to trip the shit out of me and tease me, and when i questioned it i was told it was only because he liked me. How is it possible that since i was in the 2nd grade I've been told that being knocked down by a boy is accceptable. It's sad too because at that point a boy starts to think that's what needs to be done to get a girl. This is stereotyping for sure, and of course I'm biased, but it's not that i blame boys at all. I wonder if it's something that society is feeding us or if it's just something in us. I fear it's a cycle led by niave parents who think the inequality present in their marraiges/relationships is healthy. There should be no dominant person in a relationship, because in all reality neither is actually happy. The person on top is just feeling powerful and the person being push around is obviously not happy either.

I'm not really looking for much. I don't think I really want anything, but if it fell on my doorstep I'd give it a shot.

time to pay rent.

side squeeze

i'm trying to find someone to start calling me that again.

paper numero 3, APRIL FOOLS BITCHES

so i'd like to fuck this class and burn munros hair while he runs around the building while fire alarms go off and i leave and do not wait for class. fuck you.

i fucking hate

european history.

why the fuck am i trying to go to school for art history?

baby klye needs to graduate soon so he can teach me shit.

goodiez

kyles bday present

what a character, i love his bond moves

I live in Margaritaville.

oh, how i love to get disposables developped

homegirlz. i'll never love anything more than my brah. <3

i need a place to lay my head that's safely out of sight from where i am

roomies and i are taking a break this week, and i'm going to spend the week doing some work on myself.

lots of back porch sitting, reading, eating healthy, and smiling.

katey and I

are way bummed about not getting tickets for UB. I mean i guess there's always next year, ugh. North Carolina was good- bought all of baby klye's present and took some rad pics. Once they're developped i'll post some. So, we went to JR to get katey's cigs, bought some shit for the house, drove around the most boring town, Johnston, for about an hour until we found the best pizza place imaginable, Nik's. At one point we almost gave up to eat at Pizza Inn, but I refused. We tend to do this thing where we want to find something in a new town with no directions in our lap and we refuse to go anywhere else. It happened in DC- ended up with a new tat. Happened in DC another time- didn't get to the museums, but we tried tried and tried. This time we wanted pizza, and we got it:) Our vacations always leave us half satisfied. I don't give a fuck though because it's with her, we just need to start going to more interesting places. Johnston, NC- I mean seriously?

On our way out of the resturant there was tornado warnings for Johnston. (http://www.wral.com/weather/story/4824789/)I have to admit I was a bit worried because I was driving. It didn't much matter though because I was more than ready to get home. I don't drive often in the rain because my car can't do it. But, I guess i forgot what an expert driver I am. We made it home faster, it seems, then it took to get there.

Came home to a house full of people, YES:) wrote a paper in the span of like 40 minutes, turned that shit in, walked out of my room to a good night of games. Had my darling mandy try to set me up all night, but I'm just not ready. Went to bed with the best kind of feeling. Now, i'm getting ready for another epic night. bummer it takes so much effort.

girl got too big

i feel so good about my life

and the people i surround myself by.

for a while people had me hiding who i was, but i remembered it's not about who people think you are. It's one of the painful moments in life that kicks your ass, and then you get up and feel like a million dollars. "Bianca Millionare-Kickass." hahah

Tonight's party is going to be strangely epic. Once again all new people, and this time all new drinks. ("we're vodka drinkers," but this weekend we're margarita drinkers.) I've already made plans to walk tonight, because I knowwww without a doubt no one is going to be my DD. But, that's alright: the city at 4am is absolutely stunning.

i want to conquer the world

with my messy hair.

I also want to gut bank of america.

ben kweller in the morning

is better than anything at night, but to be honest I fall asleep a lot singing him in my head.
but, i also must admit he's quite unattractive.

"what about the girl with loneliness?"
"I wanna start going on a morning walk, what about the days when we used to talk."

"that girl don't fake it, give her rules she'll break it."

had a great night with the roomiez, danced the night away and today we're headed off to NC. if only it wasn't so drab.

giving things up is too hard.

all this talking shows me what i've gotta do.

all i do is party AH, AH, AH, AH