2008

never had such a sickly sweet and fucking shitty year all at once.

winter: spent most of it locked away at my parents
spring: started getting personal with some colleges, started scheming on getting out, started drinking too much, started being 'a normal girl' ahem, mum
summer: seriously the summer of surrender, learned more about myself than i could imagine, stopped partying really, had to find a new job after being with the same company for a year, became legal, got my first tat, went home and in 4 days lived enough to write a book about it, moved in with my adoptive mother, mum, learned to sleep in a twin bed with katey, started college
fall: moved out, learned a lot about lazy fucks, learned some more about myself and what i mean to most people, got a bigger bed, worked too hard.

so resolution wise i've got not much of anything. i want to keep up with not smoking, basically thats all. not to say that much more improvement isn't needed... just saying that's all i can even fathom correcting this year.

sometimes it'd be much easier if people would listen.

doctors today which i heard hell about from my mother, no paycheck from uway... haha thank god ive got rent in the bank.

katey and i raided the mums house. taking it over, gonna find something amazing to occupy our time with tonight. happy new years!

kentucky bound.

started out so damn sweet, ended with such anguish and hope to reach home.

playlist:

ipod shuffle including an hour full of country music- how appropriate.

randy travis- forever and ever, amen
clint black- when i said i do
trisha yearwood- she's in love with the boy
george strait- carrying your love with me

those are just the highlights... plenty more embarrassing sing-a-long songs ensued. But, as we discussed through increments of singing- we grew up off of cartoons and CMT. How could we not know those songs?

so first- we finally made it through va into west va, which is apparently the wild and wonderful.

we stopped at a rest stop and did the normal thing- took a piss and brushed out teeth.

proceeded to make bad dietary decisions at walmart and got treated as if we were some sort of model celebs because we were dressed so 'strangely.'

i asked where Polaroid film was and the guy in electronics couldn't even mutter words at me. hah, i guess us kind is like gods over yonder.

then, it was time to fill up our tank. stopped in some sketch ass town, where we decided that it was crucial to leave our mark.

kept on driving for a while until we got brake checked by some asshole. actually, I'm not even sure you can call it that. I was driving during this stretch. I was going about 80 and the guy in front of me was going around 85: ahem, there was NO tailgating going on. He slams on his brakes and goes from 85 to 50 and I somehow manage to hit the brakes and not go out of control. Then, I'm scared and fucking furious. I speed up again and start actually tailgating him. He gets over and then starts driving like he's going to ram into the side of us. Katey calls the cops... who of fucking course don't ask anything worth value and the asswipe gets off of an exit. He made me miss the rest stop that i was going to relieve myself at after like 3 hours of not pissing and drinking copious amounts of Pepsi max. thank you, and suck my cock fuck ass.

we were scurrrred.

the rest of the trip consisted of driving oober fast and finally getting to ky. i meet up with my ex Chris and see his dad, which was exciting because of all people in ky i miss him probably the most. When my dad had already moved to VA for his job he taught me how to drive! not spending dinner with them means no nightly beer pouring, funny jokes, or learning how to speak tagalog.

'i thought i recognized your laugh! what are you doing in Louisville?' perfect hello.

it's been like 2 years since the 3 years we were together. glad we're still friends, because how would i visit your dad if we weren't? :) Go out there, find someone good for you. You deserve it- quit working so hard at being a nuclear engineer. Life isn't about a career, Chris, so be on the lookout.

then, hell happened, but that my friends is not blog worthy.

Keith: I'm going to set my fucking father on you.

Jake: wish i could have told you more.

Visited Jake, but there's no picture for that since he got all reserved and OH NO because of his girlfriend. But, I'm not offended. Shit with Keith happened because i care about someone too. I wasn't afraid to say No, and that's a good thing you've got to be defensive when it comes to love, and I am proud of you. She's beautiful, and i wish i could have met her. I hope you made it to Indianapolis a-ok and that your bro enjoyed his present.

Now, comes time for my darling Amber. Other than a few people you are the only reason I come home. I love you and even though that damn Kentucky always forsakes me I'll always visit just so I can nom nom with you. Hah, Chili's was killer.

i love you, and am so happy to see you doing so well. <3

Then we drove home Katey off of a few hours of sleep and me off of none. She loves me so she drove first and let me nap. Then i drove most of the rest of the way- near the end hallucinating because of sleep deprivation. Katey took the wheel and woke me up when we finally pulled into the driveway telling me the same happened to her. The moment we crossed that border and stretched our arms in front of that WELCOME TO VA sign was the moment I knew i was home. I'll probably leave Richmond some day, but right now being home is so good. My body is exhausted from driving basically 16 hours straight and my eyes are heavy, but how the fuck can i seriously complain?

k, last update til i get back probably.
we're on our way got tons of maps and such.
gallons of water, blankets for when the mercury dies, food for our fatgirl lifestyle, disposable cameras, and my credit card- ugh.

gonna drive real fast- no time to waste.

got bid farewell with a bottle of 2buckchuck. oh, i love my mom.

puppy love

<3



baby wants some nom

tell me this is not funny.

i can't wait to leave tomorrow. i need to breathe. fresh air will be great.


haha lawdy

seriouslyyyyy.

tomorrow after work i'm spending about 10 hours driving to kentucky. i suppose this is going to be fun. katey and i are going to go out of our minds because her cars system is a little rusty. If anyone is bored enough they can hop in the car with us. new years is going to be good. it's reserved for katey time, and it's totally not going to be a
'crappy, crappy new year.'

ugh, my body is feeling so airy.

xmas

has been spectacular. spent time with both families and ate some chinese food. in an hour or so i'm going to eat some good comfort food and then later i'll ingest a whole bottle of tums. I read a note about my roomate being in poor spirits and complaining about his volume of presents which i rudely commented on. i suppose that was childish of me, but as is his behavior.

i always get a bit scroogish around this time when my money slowly starts to dwindle down the drain, but then around Christmas comes and I can't help but smile.

Merry xmas everyone, and to all who i can't be with today: i miss the hell out of you and wish i could be with you. amber: i'll be home in a couple days! chris: tell your family i love them and i miss your moms cooking and hospitality. (first year without chuffer- RIP little bitch. Brownie of course is running around my yard somewhere eating a chipmunk or something.) steve: hope those cupcakes didn't kill you. janice: i loves you mum and am cho sorry i couldn't stay for din din. everyone else: love you mucho!

went to bed like 5 hours ago after spending the night cooking cupcakes and watching cards get played. My eye is going to fall out. i'm wearing hanukkah colors to work today, haha FUCK YOU UKROPS.

the holidays always reaffirm my choice to be an athiest.
i'm excited about my email and going home to chill the fuck out. cupcake party... simply excellent.

funfetti, strawberry, and chocolate if you want some hollaaaa

doing the best

'That's all i've ever asked of you- is to do the best you can.'
i love when i visit my other mom and hear her yell that at me or rose or katey. it's seriously comforting.



ipod shuffle mmmm.


wish this wasn't so shitty. forgot how i loved this band.

my mom has been calling me daily. i remember when we'd go weeks without speaking, i particularly remember the year we were silent. it feels good that shes making up for it now. just wish i was more interesting hah.

tonight: katey and i are making cupcakes. i'm thinking atleast 5 muffin pans worth possibly more.

vid blog.

oh, and i think me and katey are going to turn this into a video blog. our internet sucks though... so it'll take a while to get this thing moving.

today

i spent the day running around like a fucking mad woman searching for xmas gifts. sometimes i really hate the holidays. i work all week, good thing i need to keep myself occupied. now, i'm sitting at my moms and regretting how much she feeds me when i'm here. i swear i could gain all of my holiday weight in one visit. but, i can't complain really. fridge is broke at home so everything is disgusting and unedible.

kateys out with my car- hope it takes care of her.
jade is chillin on my lap because shes the sweetest doberman ever.
my sister is screaming about my tat.
my mom is sighing in the kitchen.

next week is ky time. really doubtful that i'm anywhere near ready. i love it there because its not richmond, but i hate it a lot too. sometimes i forget what it did to me. but, i mean i'm over it.

good.

basically i'm getting this completely redone. its not really what i wanted, but when its done should be nice.

















guess im gonna try to stop smoking. things are good.

got

bored with my body.
got a new tat today.
post pictures later.

uhm, some paper.

“So, Tell Me About That Night.”
Jacob
I could tell this story like a romantic teenage love story that just couldn't work out, maybe the boyfriend left for the army. I could make it like the plot line of one those teen movies where a nerd turns into a beauty queen to get the guy, or vice versa. I could make it a romance between two people jaded by love, I could make us middle-aged. I could even make it a relatable coming-of-age story, probably about me losing my virginity. Which it is, kind of. Really it is all of these things. I don't really know how to define these things, so it just is.
I met you at work. You stared at me all evening, and I couldn't figure out if you were a decently cute new guy or someone I already knew who had dramatically changed their hair style. Kyle investigated. I gave you a break and wanted to introduce myself, but decided against it. You were too \short, and when I heard your voice, I thought you might be a little retarded. Which you are. But they don't let truly retarded people on register, just as baggers, so I kept thinking.
You came up to me later on that night, smelling of smoke. I couldn't believe you smoked. Later we had a conversation about school as I swept off mats, and you didn't seem interested. I stopped caring, but two months of work flirting commenced. You called me Katiedid and kissed my hands. I started caring again. You asked for my number but never called it.
I came in at 5:30, you were set to leave at six. It was unusually warm for April. You carried out flowers and brought me back one. I took out a cart, still in shock, and saw you leaving the store. The middle-aged black lady businesswoman in the Honda Element whose groceries I had just bagged pulled up next to us, and rolled down her window. “Oh, I can just tell by the way you're looking at her.” Let's just pause for a second. This actually happened, this is all true. You melted my heart. I wanted you more than anything, and you seemed to reciprocate the feelings.
This is where the story gets kind of weird. You see, thus far this is a slightly atypical teenage dating story. But we have yet to hang out outside of work. I check your schedule and drop in on a Saturday to talk to you. Finally, an invitation. I call you later than I should and we meet up at 7-11. I don't know your friends, but one takes a liking to my best friend, and he rides with us to the parties. You don't talk to me but in passing. This goes on for a couple of weeks. I keep trying.
One night I didn't want to go hang out, but my friend convinced me because she wanted to see her interest, your friend. The ever-present PBR was especially prevalent tonight, and I had more than enough. You paid attention to me for the first time, probably because I was one of the few people you knew there. Eventually we went to the final party around 2 am, and I knew I had to leave. I was impulsive for the first time possibly ever, and called my mom and told her we were staying at Jessica's. A drunken best friend sitting on a traffic cone told me to make my move, while she moved on to a different guy. I sat next to you on the bench. You put your arm around me. The best friend and her new heavily tattooed love interest went inside. We kissed. We lay down on the bench. You put your hands down my pants, a surprising move, and told me you wanted to fuck me. After your friend comes outside to smoke a cigarette and warns us that this is a open area outdoors and to be safe, you go inside and find a place to stay. We leave as I make sure the best friend is being taken care of by the tattooed guy, and drive drunk to the guy's place.
If warning bells haven't already gone off, they should be now. Because I fail to mention that this was the first time I had sex. And it was excellent. I didn't believe it was happening even as it was, even the next morning. You didn't kiss me goodbye when we went to pick up the best friend.
It goes on like this for a few weeks, each time getting harder for me to initiate and each time getting less meaningful. I don't see you for a month, we barely speak at work, and I barely even knew what hit me. It still didn't seem real. One night you got drunk and called me, the best friend took me to you, we talked for the first time. You ask me if I've had sex with anyone else, I thought that was odd, and you tell me you have.
“What did you want from me?”
“Nothing really. A hookup. I don't see this going anywhere.”
“Thanks for being honest.”
You tell me you still want to fuck me, and I want to tell you about the new guy I'm talking to, but I can't. I tell you I'm on my period but you don't care, I can't get out of it and I don't want to at all. We have sex in the basement with your friend 'asleep' in the room.
We don't hang out anymore after that. I move to a different department and we never work together. You got a girlfriend, the girl you fucked when we weren't talking, a girl a year younger than me and still in high school. You are almost 21. In a strange way, you boost my self esteem. I didn't see you for 4 months until one day I was sweeping out the salad bar and I hear your familiar voice calling me Katiedid. We hug and you rub my back and you give me that look. The “I want to fuck you” look you're so good at. I know it will lead to nothing, but a part of me still wants you to get me as high as you did that night. Every time I see you after that, I get the same look. I move away, to where your friends live but you no longer visit.
There is no ending. Sorry. The story never ends, or if it has, this is it. You're taken, I'm gone. This is really not a story of anything, it is a case study. It is what we history majors call “microhistory”, the one account of a seemingly unimportant event. I don't think of you as often as I feel I should, but you made me write. All I am left with of you is one amazing night and a strange story to tell.

Tyler
Tyler and I, we're complicated. He's got a beautiful soul and a silly mind. I've got a haggard soul and a serious mind. We clash, but we melt together perfectly. We met at a party outside while your friends were yelling at the building owner about their right to party. We all left and went to party number two. We went our separate ways, but before I left I found you to say goodbye. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. The following week I went to another party where you bellowed my name over and over while driving away. I didn't give a shit, I liked another boy who didn't care to look at me twice. Week three : the best night ever.
Katey, my best friend, was with a cute boy. There was something ravishing between the two of them. I wasn't really interested in you. We rode together in the backseat and I sang as loud as ever. You found a taco bell hot sauce packet. It said "Will you marry me?" on it. You proposed. I accepted. We were engaged.
We spent a lot of time outside talking about relationships, religion, and the government. I was hounded by boys. One spent an hour discussing the chance of the government planning out nine-eleven with me. One told me about his possible job teaching English in Mexico. You talked to the one moving to Mexico and offered me your jacket. I didn't really know who to choose. I ended up wanting you. I walked away and sat on an orange traffic cone. Your jacket was the only thing I needed next to a red solo cup filled with beer. I guess I thought that was the cute girl thing to do, but really I just had veins running with pure alcohol, so there wasn’t too much thinking. Katey left and I wasn't upset about it. I was alone with you. We were drunk as shit and drinking Nasty Ice like it was chocolate milk. We were kids. I forgot about the other boys. You were all I wanted. Your tattoos were like a jacket, letting you abandon your orange and grey Northface for me.
You'd asked permission to take me home with you. It was sweet. It was a gentlemanly gesture. I didn’t hear about it until the next day. With me you just played it off like you had absolutely not a clue where Katey could have gone. I made a show out of it for a while and then decided that I would just ride with you. I had a warm place to stay and maybe some food in my rumbling belly. Still, I thought this was all sincere. I figured out later that was not you. Well, it was you. It was the part of you that you later refused to show me.
I was seriously inebriated. I'm sure I made some sort of massive fool of myself. But, you were hunched over the wheel and we were both too past being able to drive. You looked like a 90 year old trying to drive: squinting eyes, hunched back, intense concentration. I was hooked. You were taking extreme care.
We aren't couple like. We are couple like. We don't try to fake it either. It's comforting. There's a pull between the two. A bit of confusion. I'm still naive at this point. I still think that dating is a possibility. So, if I were writing this then I'd be more serious. I'd think he was a pretentious ass. Which, of course he is but that’s besides the point. I'd think that he owed me more than a place to sit and view, and more than some shitty couch without a shoulder to lean on.
It's so hard to stay awake sometimes with you. I'd rather just fall asleep than watch your nonsense on Adult Swim. But, it makes us laugh. That's uncommon, it's genuine. Even that first night, you went to the bathroom and I nearly fell asleep. I forced myself to stay awake. Something amazing was going to happen. There was no question about it. The air felt pure and thick with contemplation. It was the opposite of how the air breathes when a couple filled with rage walks into a room.
We finally went to your room. It was quaint. Small. Perfect.
We got in bed. It was warm and comfy. Perfect.
We spooned. Your body was smooth. Perfect.
We fell asleep around 6am. Perfect.
You told Katey that you're not a jerk, that you didn't use me. I don't know why this was important for you to point out. Well, actually, I do. You care, but you can't. You're good at what you do.
We're some sort of beautiful. It's scary, but I hide it. I'm good at what I do.
I retrace our story sometimes and it always seems like a spider web. There’s no pattern, no exit, no enter like a maze, but a story with scattered subjects and no beginning or end. I challenge myself to remember everything down to the smell in your house or the glaze painted over your eyes. After the best night ever I fucked with fate. I asked a friend for your number in the morning, and instead of being the casual one night stand you wanted we ended up being what we are today: complicated. I ended up in a cycle of take, take, take that never ever gave. Well, I got your number and told you I had an amazing night your response was devoid of emotion, “yea.” My mind was so clouded that I thought you were just tired. I'm glad I've grown up.
Back then I didn’t know I’d fall in love. I didn’t know how hopeless I was or how hopeless you were. I didn’t know that’s what would keep me always coming back. I was clueless to the fact that I’d never be able to settle with anyone but you, the boy who couldn’t spell settle, let alone commit to settling.
I remember when things were just right. When we first met and it was bedroom love, the lights turned down and we fell in love over and over again. When the sun pelted through your window and our splendorous midnight love had cooled down. We are extremists; there is no middle about us.

Josiah
I stand before a bench full of drunks. I laugh in my head because we’re being so typical. I find it hard to believe that there’s much else to do with life, so I drink my Mickey’s and don’t question anything. There are two new girls tonight. One of them is a sweet red head occupied with Jacob, the other is brunette with edge and a solo cup full of kegger beer. Apparently Clay let her wipe on the sleeve of his sweater when she peed in an alleyway, but she seemed to be giving the eye to me and Tyler earlier. Poor Clay, he’s stuck with Julie whose pretty hot, but clingy as hell. One of those dominant girls who likes to flirt, but can’t stand to see him scan the room for friends. The brunette though, she’s trying to pick out who she’d give the good ol’ one-two to tonight.
I want to talk. My brain is sparking and I want some feedback. I ask everyone what they think about the government. Edgy girl talks a lot about nine-eleven. She’s into all of the government plotting bullshit.
‘Yeah, have you ever seen Loose Change?’
‘Uh, no I don’t think so.”
‘Oh, it’s about the possibility of the government being involved. It shows a lot of footage on fuck ups and proof of how they were involved. It’s pretty good. Insightful I guess.’
Jacob and the red-head were enveloped in each other. It was party love and that shit is sweeter than ever.
Red-head adds, ‘Yeah, didn’t le petit Nicolas suggest it to you?’
‘Mhm,’ the brunette replies.
I have no idea what she's talking about. ‘Oh, yea cool. Have you ever seen Zeitgeist?’ I ask, trying to change the subject.
‘Yeah, but not all the way through, I always end up skipping around.’
‘I really like all of the ideas in it. The fact that religion can be traced back to the Egyptians, that’s just mind blowing. I really hate government shit because it’s so depressing. We can’t ever change that.’
‘Religion is sort of the same thing though. You can’t change that institution. It’s just as depressing watching all those people believe.’
‘Yea, if anything I’m a deist,” red head girl pops in.
‘What’s that, brah?’
‘Brah?’ everyone sort of looks at each other and then laughs. When the hell did girls start calling each other brah?
‘So wait, what’s everyone’s name here? I don’t think I’ve met you two.’ I’ve got to at least know their names, referring to them by their hair color seems crude.
Brunette, ‘Oh, I’m Bianca.’
Red-head give a little smile and says, ‘Katey.’
‘Ok, Hey I’m Josiah.’
‘Anyways, I just think that God or someone may have created all of this, and that after that he left us to our own devices,” Katey continues.
‘Yeah, that makes some sense but I just don’t know how I feel about any sort of higher being.’

The conversation went on forever. It was stupid shit really. We get drunk, think we have good things to say that our ideas are monumental, but really in the morning we’re too hung-over to do anything about it. Pitiful. I walk into the house because it’s cold. I’ve just got this flimsy tee-shirt on.
‘Hey man,’ I hear from across the room.
‘Is there any more beer in the fridge, man?’ I ask ever hopeful.
‘Yeah, just grab one out of the fridge.’
Karaoke is going on inside. Clay’s girl is singing some Michael Jackson, which makes me laugh because he’s a pervert. I sit down and she hands me the microphone. And, the embarrassment begins. There’s not much to complain about though, what greater an idea than drunken Karaoke?
‘Beat it, Beat it, no one wants to be defeated!’
Tyler and Bianca come inside from the cold. She’s talking about sitting on a cone and how now her ass hurts. Well, no shit.
‘There wasn’t anything for me to sit on.’
‘The bench, haha.’
She sits down next to Clay’s girl. Probably not the best idea, but they were both equally drunk so maybe they’d get along. She’s really young and doesn’t know too many of the songs. I sort of wish for a while that I could be like that again, she's had a bit too much and it's easy to tell. Her voices cracks a lot when she sings and her words are all slurred. It was a terrible show, but she had this real big smile on her face which made it not so bad. Girls can do this thing, you know. They can make you feel real sick to your stomach, but then change it around so that you feel some sort of love for them. I leave though because Tyler seems to have marked his territory.
I light up a cigarette before I walk outside. Oh, what a daredevil. I don’t know how smokers live in houses where they’re forced to go outside. That’s so much time; I think that’d be an easy way to kick the habit. I open the door to Katey lying next to James whose hands are cozy in her pants.
I clear my throat, ‘You two do understand that there are other houses around here, right? That this is a public bench essentially.”
They look embarrassed but their eyes scream recklessness.
‘Haha, well, be safe you two. Have a good night.’

That's pretty much where I stop remembering details. I bid the bench-dwelling couple farewell as they set off for my friend Nate's apartment, and Bianca and Tyler hung around for a while before they drifted off somewhere when everyone started to make their drunk trek home. I saw those girls around once or twice after that night, but they didn't stick around long. To be fair, I didn't either, I quit partying in that scene, in fact I try to stay away from all sorts of scenes now. It keeps me a lot saner to be by myself. The girls came into my work one day, and I thought about saying Hi, but decided against it. I've met a million people at a million parties that I wouldn't stop and talk to on the street, and two girls that I'm unlikely to party with ever again are unlikely to care much about me either. I mean, it was a good night, but I wouldn't say it changed my life.

lately

I haven't taken the time to update this in a while. Gina Marie, my crappy yet cute dog, ran away for a few days. It gave her only defenders, Janice, my adopted mother, and me quite a scare. We finally found an add for her being found on craigslist a few days later. We had already begun to move out without Gina, but she's got a sweet house waiting for her. Janice won't let her go just yet, but that's totally okay.

The move in process is going slow. But, i'm sure things will pick up soon.

Tonight, katey and I will embark upon a quite adventurous task: baking alex's bday pie. Last time we baked one together we were about 10, but we won a blue ribbon back then... i think we can do it. We also went to bed last night in our large comfy bed and lol-ed at the fact that we're like a married couple: no sex, and we read all night. Wifey: katey- reads trashy novels like The Flowers in the attic. Hubby: me- reads serious books about socialism and such, except not really.

hmmmm, on another note if anyone knows how to play the banjo and wants to learn some songs with me that would be amazing.

river child

It's strange meeting up with people who you haven't seen in months that left a huge impact on your life. I spent an entire summer filled with delight and foreign encounters. I did things most people can't attest to, and a lot of really cliche things. I met some people I could do without and some people I'll never stop talking to. But, when I saw you today in your red jacket I didn't know what an impact saying goodbye would have. New York's a big place, but you're a big kid. I'm glad I got to show you around before you tripped around the country, and I'm glad I got mosquito bitten with you.

haha it's really fucked up to me though how many people in my life are like you. people just come and go. they leave and then they come back and then they leave again, yet again to only come back. it's a vicious cycle. the several of you that exist are like rabid beasts. i really like it.

i hope new york is amazing. i hope you meet another river child. i really hope she's as fearless as me. i don't much want you anymore, although having you one last time wouldn't be so bad. I'll have to call kyle and tell him see what sort of good advice on life he'll give me. I'll never follow through with you, but I just want to see what he says.

but, on another note there's always you. 'the power i afford you is the one i wish i had over you.' and random missed connections haha.

ha, ha, fucking, ha.
mmmmmm i adore you. what a fucking shame.

seaside

i think we'd be perfect sea dwellers.

before and again.

I decided to help out Katey by undergoing the terror of reading through completely awful works of 'literature.' I read a decent story with a stupid ending, a completely over done story about a cute little boy, a good story that ended like it was no longer a story but a fucking psa about how to be a giving person. Katey and I packed a shit ton of clothes tonight, looked at what lurked under the bed [which landed us with many treasures], and then sat down to decide that we'd both be dirt poor forever and end up teaching at some highschool because our degrees are pointless.

I think i might shoot myself having to teach highschool students with the ability to write complete shit. I remember my sophomore year when writing literally envelopped my life. I remember how my teacher adored my absolute shit, and tonight i revisited some of it to be absolutely correct in my assumption that NO ONE can write as a highschooler.


On another note, we found an excerpt to our book that included sayings such as:

'oh, it's a chinese magical!'
'do samuris get married? i mean to like geishas or something? that's sumos!'


Not really funny to outsiders, but literally bending over with pain from lauging sort of funny to katey and me. Earlier this morning we also found a book from when i lived in VA the first time around. Now, that was hilarious.

What is the most poplar fashion right now? Lace up jeans
katey was going to be a lawyar, spelled that way too, and me, well we didn't waste our time. patrina was most likely to grow up to be a clown, and katey was going to thank god when she won an award. pft.



Basically, i love looking back at being a child.

winter wonderland

we are what we are. there aren't answers or questions. shadows of whats wrong and right show no more, for the sun sets too early. the wind breaks my stride and the stairs get harder to climb. fresh air fills my lungs, everythings icy.













shhhh, please be quiet:





i dont know what it is about winter. i love it but i fucking hate it.

There's no pattern, no exit, no enter like a maze, but a story with scattered subjects and no beginning or end. It's a spiderweb's life: we build it, feed off of it, leave it, build it again. I don't think i'll get frost bite this year.

You gotta own the beat, don't let it own you.

art project/life.

we had a blow out fight last night. i dont really care, we're over it. totally loves you, bitch.

im starting a new art project. i dont know when i'll actually really get around to doing it, but if anyone wants to be a part of it let me know.

basically: im going to have people stand in long johns without a top on and take pictures of it with a disposable camera. there will be different themes, but i havent really gotten that far yet. i think most of them will just be whatever is natural. i dont want it to seem staged.

i also would love to collaborate with somone to make a huge painting soon. if me and katey get this house i need some art to cover the walls, and i think it'd be fun to to it with someone to see what sort of thing we came up with.


On another note, I feel a little bit stuck. Katey and I discussed last night what a burden it is living with parents. We're just looking for an escape. A place to call home. I'm sick and tired of bullshit houses. I find one, they want to rent to us, whoops shit's already been rented. What the fucking fuck.

The new house we're looking at is run down and blech, but it's a house. We've got a nice room and a beautiful kitchen. I think I could get used to it. If this shit doesn't fall through we've decided to just move to northside until we can get all of our shit together. But, then what do with do with our dear Gina Marie? ugh ugh ugh.

It'd be totally cool if someone could fix all of our problems haha.

or, if someone just made some art with me.

basically...

1. as alex says: you two are a mess- we're trying to fix that.
2. vegan scones: i hope baking really heals all
3. gina: that little bitch dog gets better every day
4. john bowman: where's the line to be drawn
5. house: i'd love to burn this shit down. i want out.
6. me: school is a waste of time, give me a good book to read, find me a damn good job, let me whine to you.
7. richmond: i might leave you soon.
8. fireplace: please workkk
9. pace: how is this thing supposed to work?


i feel like this:

my back hurts and im blue blue blue.

haha i dedicate this to katey, because i loves her.

Melissa

A friend of mine, Melissa, was killed last week by her boyfriend.

I just fucking want to say that if you know anyone who is abused, or are abused yourself, let me know. I will NOT stand for that shit. If I had only known she would have never ever fucking been touched.

http://www.inrich.com/cva/ric/search.apx.-content-articles-RTD-2008-11-04-0123.html

take care of yourself, know that there are people who seriously don't care past a certain point. What the fucking fuck are her children supposed to do now? Visit their fucking piece of shit father in prison and hope that he somehow is a fatherly figure?



fuck that shit. shit ended the moment he thought: hitting her will make her shut up.
she used to say she told her kids not to repeat: shut your mouth.

i think he should have never made her say it.
i think i'm sending him hate mail.

Basically, I love meatwad.

home

i really miss coming home sometimes.

i walked in tonight and it smelled like food and felt so toasty. When I lived here, though, it was brash and uninviting. The smell of food tainted my clothes and I wanted it out. Now, I'd give anything to get home on time and watch my dad play the guitar. I'd kill for my moms soups and fried foods. I feel bad when I don't give my sister a ring every once in a while. fuck, i want to be a kid again.

i'm so nostalgic. It's so conflicting and contradictory.

blech, i'm gonna go lay in the fetal position on my left behind bed.

library

haha I just saw a girl who was literally screaming to have a cock shoved up her ass.

People really don't give the library the credit it deserves.

quickie

Just a quick update.

It's such a terrible thing when you're internet gets turned off. It's like all the creative juices just stop flowing becuase where are you going to put what you come up with? I've been doing a lot of writing on paper lately, but typically my mind gets lost in other things. Hmm... my tat is being a bitch and peeling, my brain wakes up a few hours too slow, i think i'm getting a cold, and i have more excitement about moving out in a few months than i have had about anything in a long time.

I find myself envelopped in the warmth and comfort of my friend Betsy's soon to be born baby girl. Last night I went to walmart with katey and we bought baby wipes and clothes and such. Now, personally I am no where near ready for a baby. I've got a 2 year old dog at home that literally sucks every ounce of life I have left in me at the end of the day. She rips things to shreads, thinks its funny to leave food in her bowl while she eats whatever is on the counter, scratches the shit out of me, and if i'm lucky I come home to a pile of steamy shit. She's ill behaved with a nasty temper. She's mommys little girl and we've got this glorious hate/abusive relationship. It's a good time. So, after explaining ginnie/gina, I think it's safe to say I do not in any way shape or form want a baby right now or probably ever. Really, I just have this safe getaway. When I want to babysit and cuddle with a cute baby I've got it. More than likely when I need inspiration from a living being I'm going to have it. I love kids, always have. Worked at a daycare and never wanted to quit.

I just think this experience will be refreshing and real. Betsy and I talk a lot about me being baby daddy, and that shit is unreal to me. To think that I, Bianca, am going to be helping take care of a baby is just unreal. Haha, shit.

Enough about babies.


ALEX: KATEY AND I TOTALLY MISS YOU. GET A PHONEEEEEE. :)
you thought we watched crazy things before... just imagine- paris hilton has her own show now dum dum dum.

purple haze

i'll update more later, but last night was killer.
I haven't been so high since i'd say my junior year.... mmmm

d.c.

We didn't make it to kentucky. We didn't get anywhere close. Instead we wind up in d.c.- a place katey and I both loath. A city that seems to have endless 14th streets and minimal places to eat.

I could complain for hours about the shitty state I always find d.c. in, but this trip wasn't such a bust. We went to the history museum and saw loads of rocks... ahem, great fun. I will admitt, though, that I thuroughly enjoyed the mammals exhibit. Then we ventured on to grab some food. The place we landed at was good, overpriced, and bustling with people. A rude lady yapped about how she hadn't recieved her coconut and the owner walked around displaying his 8-pack to all of washington. We ate and promptly walked back to the car. The car is how we left it except for a parking ticket pasted to the windshield. Fucking great. The parking sign was hidden behind a huge tree. Fuck, there wasn't even any contesting it now.

Next stop: chinatown. I've been here plenty of times with my family and school shit, but never just alone. We find a place to park, and we're off to find a place to shop or a place to get a tattoo. We land in urban outfitters and ask someone for a place to go. The girl is surprisingly helpful. She gives us directions and such and we're on our way. This time the car is flawless.

We try to take the directions as given, but that shits impossible. We end up making a grid of roads into a corn maze. I can't go home though. Mission has yet to be accomplished and i'm unsatisfied because more than anything this trip was about us getting tattoos. After hours of searching and getting a pretty good feel for d.c. we find 18th street. We find a parking deck- this time there's no risk taking or a single spot to fill on the road. We pull in and we're off to Tattoo Paradise. It takes a while for us to decide. First we ask about our tattoos and how much they'd be- 180, but katey doesn't really want to spend that kind of money. I then proceed to decide what i'm getting. We may not be getting ours, but i'm not leaving without something.

I've always loved pin up girls. Their fierce realism. Their absolute charm and full figures. I search around for something and stumble upon something i really like. It takes a while for me to decide where to get it, but finally i decide to get it above my armpit. This shit is going to fucking hurt. I remember my first tattoo hurting the most when Thea got close to my armpit. I just had to get over it. What the hell is a few hours of pain?

I'm told the tattoo will be 240, so i pull out my green card. [ew, i fucking hate money.] I only get charged 140, and don't ask any questions. I lay down and here the needle start up. I swear there are more nerves in my arm then all of the rest of my body put together right now. I get over it.

Directions back are simple. We make it no trouble. My arm stings, but i'm definately satisfied. An hour into the trip I get a call from Reid. I give him my credit card number and finish paying. I'm upset, but i get over that too.

Kentucky

This weekend Katey and I will embark upon another excruciatingly long trip to Kentucky. I moved back to VA from KY around 2 years ago. I love it there, but Richmond is exciting. Kentucky is rich with pleasure and comfort but Richmond is bold and fierce, she keeps my blood flowing.

I have this unexplainable fear of going, this little terror inside of me. Katey shares this with me. We're both always so OMG WHAT WILL GO WRONG. It's annoying.

We're going for a party. Heh, what a thing to travel hours and hours for. This party though is like no other. It's excellence at its best. I don't talk about it though. She doesn't either. I hope whatever happens is worth the excitement I've built up in myself.

I'm going to see a former lover. Someone I dated when I was much younger, but someone who meant so much to me. It should be interesting. I'm also going to see someone who I love mucho. He's got my dress. What's funny though is it wasn't left behind because of sex. I just forgot it. I don't need it back though, just excited to get to see him. I've missed him so.

Chuck, the driver, is going to drive fast. I just know it.

I'm going to be kept on the edge of my seat. It's going to be a sweet arrival.

yeah

uhm, we'll see where this goes.